To be honest with myself, I need to not lie to myself (or this audience). Sure my life is ‘great’ (as great as it could be for the time… I’m very thankful); I’m not binge eating the way I was, I meal prep, I have a job, the people I’m surrounded by are incredible, I joined a club…but I’m noticing that I’m lagging.
I lag in applying myself everyday and I miss it. I miss the feeling of being proud to complete things and I need to start attacking this right now (while I’m self-aware). It’s difficult to understand the workings of my mind but, for me it’s as simple as saying “I’m lazy.” And I know when I am…my room is currently a mess and my mind is just as unorganized.
Do you ever just know how badass you are but then fall into a pit of self-doubt? A self-absorbed feeling..slowly, sinking, yet you’re doing everything you can to keep your head above water? I still show up for work, for class, for events…but I mentally check myself out once I’m in the comfort of my tiny space of an apartment.
This is the reality of my life.
I can sit here and blanket these thoughts, or that I “contemplated writing this because of the negative attention” (which, tbh I didn’t).
I’ve become so comfortable with this online journal of mine that
if I’m not totally honest,
what would be the point of having a blog?
I won’t sit here and tell you my life has been perfect since the changes I’ve made, but I can tell you I’ve progressed immensely. I can tell you that the little things I do for myself truly have a huge impact. I can tell you that sometimes it’s more than an “off day”…maybe it’s a few, or even a week.
This is why I needed to stop my series, because I can’t put on a front and act in la la land.
My life is too precious to be faked like that.
I can’t be the only one that understand this.
(We need to stop this trend of being okay with putting only the great things about our lives online and share those other miscellaneous, odd times. It doesn’t mean you’re auto labeled depressed or have a shit life… it makes you human.)
If we [a society] choose to live our lives online,
why wouldn’t you want to project your most truly authentic, honest self?
It takes more than a mantra or just a simple task. You really need to want your life badly enough to go after what you want. That’s still a learning process for me, and I accept that. However, I can sit here and accept it but it won’t change anything.
Failure is not an option.